Saw (2004)

IMDb plot summary: With a dead body laying between them, two men wake up in the secure lair of a serial killer who's been nicknamed "Jigsaw". The men must follow various rules and objectives if they wish to survive and win the deadly game set for them.
Directed by James Wan. Starring Leigh Wannell, Cary Elwes and Danny Glover.

From what I'd heard about this movie, I knew there was a possibility I'd love it, as well as a possibility that it'd come too close to "torture porn" for me, but the one thing I never expected was that it would be BORING. It's a psychological thriller with no psychology, a puzzle movie with no real puzzles, a character study with undeveloped characters, and a horror movie with no real scares. The acting is abysmal, even from actors I normally enjoy. The movie tries to paint itself as a "smart" horror movie, but it talks wayyyyy down to its audience, even going so far as to have voice-overs reading aloud notes we can see ourselves and providing wholly unnecessary narration to flashbacks ("I was walking to my car..." Yes, we can see that). Not to mention the endless recaps. How dumb does this movie think their audience is? I PROMISE you I still remember what happened in the flashback like 30 minutes ago.

This could have been a fascinating two-person theatrical-style piece, and I think that's what it was aiming for in the scenes with just the two prisoners, but the characters are so dull that it fails miserably. The *potential* for this movie is what made the final product so disappointing.

When Cary Elwes was on screen, I played "find all the times he drops his American accent." (Answer: A LOT.) When he wasn't, I played FreeCell. 1 star.

Best Part: The very final minute was actually pretty creepy. Too bad there wasn't anything like that in the rest of the movie. Also, the premise really is great. I wish it lived up to it, even a little bit.
Worst Part: Every time the movie would treat me like I had the attention span of a 5-year-old. It recapped and restated so many times that I felt zero worry that I would miss important plot points by playing FreeCell along with it. It'd just re-explain it all for me later anyway.
Flickchart: #1434, below Mamma Mia! and above Kate and Leopold. Now there's a triple feature...